Ask Not, And You Shall Receive

happy birthday!!!

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 21:45:36 GMT

i saw that it was ajayne's birthday so i thought i would drop a little line to tell you happy birthday....hope it brings lots of gifts...and cake!

I miss my James Dean boy.

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 19:09:17 GMT

Today I was really missing my Kevin...full text of the story I wrote about him a while ago will follow for those who may have missed a page...heh. I can't really say what brought it on, but I was missing him a lot today...wondering how he's doing in Tennessee and what's going on in his world.

Strange that I should realize too late what a treasure he was, my beautiful little epitome of youth. Not that the past can be undone or that I'm unhappy with the relationship we currently have, but man, I miss the fun days with him: driving around Nash in his crazy, older sports car...sometimes so fast that it scared people, but not me. Aaahh, memories. Funny, the thing I realized just today was that that was one of the only times in my life that people were actually jealous of me because I had something they wanted , and not because they had something that they "thought" I wanted (which in most cases, I actually did NOT want). Heh.

So anyway, here's the original story:

Tuesday, February 14, 2006
James Dean, Kevin, and Memories.

"What am I going to do with you?", he'd always ask.

"I don't know play with me till you get bored."

This blog is dedicated solely to my friend kevin, who I have pics of but they aren't on my computer. So you'll just have to imagine. If you've ever heard me talk about Kevin, it was probably when we were still trying to date, and it's likely that I always referred to him as the 18 year old with the great butt. Cuz he was, and he did (still does actually, but that's besides the point).

He whisked into my life like a warm breeze on a wintery day...talking to him for but seconds before he was shushed out the door of the club. But there was a connection there, an instant attraction. I didn't find out till much later that he was only 18. We bet on a game of 9-ball for our first date i.e. "If I win this game, you have to give me your number and let me take you out to dinner...If you win, I'll do one thing...but whatever you want." Too tempting an offer not to take right? Cuz either way I won. If I win I get to make him do whatever I want...and if I lose I get to have a hot guy take me out to dinner...win/win. This was on the second time we bumped into each other, which of course, led to the first date. I lost the first game, but barely and by the end of the game I had decided what I wanted if I won...

"Best 2 out of 3?"

"Okay, sure...you really want to win now don't you?"

"Yeah, cuz I know what I want."

And then he smiled...he smiled the smile that will always live in my memory. One of the things that I'll never forget was that half-cocked, much-deeper-things-going-on-in-my-head smile.

I lost the second game too, but he stepped up his pool game quite a bit for the second round (he realized in the first game that I can actually play when I'm feeling competitive).

"Well?" he asks.

"Well what?"

"What did you want? With that smile you had, I'm too curious not to at least know, even if I did win."

A deviant smile. "Well, you would have still taken me out to dinner and paid, but you would have worn the dress!" *giggling*

More smiles. "Humm...interesting. That would have been quite amusing actually to see people looking at us with me in the dress and you..."

Interrupted. "...in a suit." Both Laughing.

"That would have been really funny actually...you wanna try again?", he teased.

And it just went from there...what girl can resist a guy who's that confident, and who's willing to keep a promise even at the expense of wearing a dress, and who can laugh at himself enough to realize just how funny it would be to see that live: A man and a woman walk into a nice restaurant, the man in the dress and the woman in a suit...but the man pays.

Things between us were just that easy. We fought and argued (and then "made up"). We danced and laughed. We made love like nothing else mattered in the world but each other. So I learned to deal with his youth because he had the maturity I was looking for in a man. And then, his youth was very appealing, and even now, that's the thing I remember most about him. Carefree spirit, long kisses even if the whole town was watching, fast cars, and endless hope for the future.

One night we went out for coffee at my favorite little place in the village...and on the way home (I drove, which was rare since he loved his cars so much) in my car, I was speeding down 21st like there was no traffic (but there was) and passing cars like I had plenty of space to do it (but there wasn't). You know, typical "me" driving style. The whole time he was just smiling away and chuckling a little bit because (I asked) "I would have just done that exact same thing," and "you drive just like me." I know I do, which is why when everybody else in his car was hanging on for dear life, I was smiling away and leaning my head out the window to catch the summer wind and sun on my face and hair. I was never scared of his driving, cuz I could tell everything he was gonna do next in the car...cuz I would have done exactly the same thing.

Then we got on the highway...he was still smiling away in my passenger seat. And as I sped up to about 80 or 90 in a 65 zone and darted by 3 cars in 2 different lanes only to dart back into the fast lane, he looked at me and said, "You're really trying to make me fall in love with you aren't you?" "I don't know...is that what's happening?"

But then, as all good things must end...one night something happened. And now, we both say we don't remember what it was (I do), and we had a fight (I pretend I don't remember what it was about, but I do...it was just silly) and then we stopped seeing each other. Honestly, I think he remembers too, but he denies it. I do too, because it's much easier to be the really amazing friends that we've become since then if neither of us "remembers" the powder keg fight we had. It's much easier to play dumb than it is to dreg it back up from the bottom of the loch and try to figure out who was right (Neither of us was, for the record)3 years later. Why ruin a great friendship with a stupid petty argument that's been over for years?

But Kevin, he loves James Dean and he loves Skid Row. I still remember him telling me how "18 and life" was his favorite Row song as he was driving 90 down I-65 South...and I remember thinking how well the song suited him. That song and that realization made him a permanent part of my memory, because now I can't hear that song without thinking about him.

Kevin will always be my James Dean 18 year old epitome of youth. Even though, he's no longer 18, and even if he's no longer mine. I can't even tell you how many times he brought up his favorite quote:

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." (James Dean) And he always did, and still does even now.

posted by AeroAangel at 18:58

Small Update...AKA feeling a little "Howard Stern-ish"

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 03:31:43 GMT

So the Army tells me that I could be a potential target...so I'm not supposed to say Army or Arabic or California or my real name (even I have a problem with that one...heh) anywhere in my online blogs or journals. Ok, Army. I promise I won't say California, it's a nasty word in my vocabulary anyway. Besides, it sounds exactly the same in Arabic, so what's the point of trying to conceal it? Haha. I amuse myself often. Don't mind me.

But for those interested...I really enjoy being in the Army and I'm finally starting to catch on to learning Arabic. And today in *bad word* we had our first actual warm day since I've been here. I didn't have to wear a sweatshirt today when I went out. Tennessee was much warmer, and I miss it a lot.

I am back

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 01:34:15 GMT

no more basic...I missed you all very much and I hope to get back to chatting with everybody again...thanks to those who didn't forget me and delete me while I was at basic...hope to read all your stories again soon.

lots of love.

Back to basic

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 18:40:18 GMT

Well, today I leave to go back to basic training and finish up. My leave is officially over and I have two weeks left to complete to finish my graduation requirements. I wish I hadn't gone on leave at all to a point because if I had stayed, I would have already been done by now...but, that was not my choice. At any rate, it's been fun talking to everybody for this past few weeks. I hope that your lives go well during the interim and I will return soon to update everybody on how everything went. Until then, have fun for me and don't worry about me: I've been doing quite well at BCT. I get to go back and have fun with Victory Forge...and I'll post all the details later on.

A Toast

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 05:52:31 GMT

It's the new year again, but I'm not going to rant about how depressed or sad I am about my life at this point (I don't think I'm depressed anyway) or about how alone I am on new year's and start a ridiculous pity party for myself (even though I am alone on New Year's Eve...so what?). And I'm definitely not gonna spend a million words reflecting on the past year and where it went wrong and how I'm gonna do much better next year....

Instead.....

I'm gonna begin the new year on a positive note. With a toast.

*Raises champagne glass*

Ahem, I said *RAISES CHAMPAGNE GLASS*

Damnit y'all...that's your cue to raise yours too!!

...*waits a decent amount of time for the rest of the glasses to be raised*

Now then...

Here's to a new year; here's to getting into bed with hotties when we find them and to stealing their boxers if they leave them (on accident or because you hide them...whatever) at your house (not saying I do this or anything...anyhow, moving on); I raise my glass to all my friends, loved ones, and everybody else who knows me wishing them all the best for the coming year: may you find the somebody that completes you this year (we all know we secretly want this, so don't lie damnit!), may you have better luck with your career this year than you did last year, may you find only open windows instead of the closed doors and may you have sex so dirty and crazy that you have to lie about what happened to you the next day at work (again, not that this has happened either, I'm just saying--thank you Big Ed); here's to all the people who have loved us: may they all rot in hell for letting us go and someday feel very sorry for themselves when they realize what they lost when they left us and here's to all the people that we will find to love us in the coming months, may they all treasure the precious gift that, by some miracle, wandered into their lives;

(Ok y'all I'm really almost done...you can chug the whole glass in a second to make up for all the time you've wasted not drinking while reading this)

here's to all the friends who love us more than life itself who know that their love, whilst still deeply treasured, is not enough to fill the empty space and here's to all the people who truly understand what is in our hearts and souls, may they continue to love us and care for us just for being ourselves and never try to change us; to all this, and all the things I might have left out, I raise my glass for a toast to a new and better year ahead: to a brighter future laid out before us and an even path upon which to walk.....I love you all, so much!

*Takes a drink and keeps drinking until everybody has drank from their glass as well*

As I will it, so shall it be. Thanks be to the gods and goddesses for all their love and support.

From the mind of BCT

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 16:00:03 GMT

Excerpts from my BCT journal will follow. This is just a small attempt to let everybody know how I've changed because of this...and though words don't do the experience justice, I'm sharing some of the actual day to day thoughts of basic training according to me.

07Nov06
...It's odd how withdrawn a person can become in such an environment. The experience is totally different than any other and I feel like I don't wanna talk to anybody about it because I don't think they'll understand. I mean, I can describe the activities and what happens, but I can't describe the way it makes me feel; I can't describe what it really feels like inside when I'm here. You can see it, watch it, read about it, or listen to stories about it, but until you actually do it, you can't fully understand the form of it. But it is worth it, what I'm getting back is worth what I had to give up to do this. I don't think they'll fully break me though because I'm willing to be trained. Like a wild mustang: you may eventually train it to do most of the things you want, you probably won't break its wild spirit; you'll never get to me/it completely. I miss music and mountain dew the most. I don't have much time to miss anything else.

There honestly isn't a lot of time to think here. There isn't really time to miss people or your old life because your day is already so full. There are those who make time to be miserable and continue to think up ways to try to get out but, if you're committed to what you're doing here, you don't have time for all that crap. The only thing I really have time to miss is having spare time, and I miss that about 10 times a day. Hopefully I can get my stomach and arms stronger before I leave because without that, it won't matter if I pass everything else.

08Nov06
...I watched a huge bird today while we were marching to our first aid crash course, I think an eagle but I'm not sure. It drifted up and down on air waves for a long time. It reminded me how free I used to be before this started. It was so majestic to watch, when I saw it I thought, "if only I could film this cuz it truly was one of the most beautiful things I ever saw."...

I like marching though because it gives me quiet time to think. On our road march to Victory Tower, I finally began to understand why they have so many rules in place here and why they organize BCT the way they do. One of these days I' gonna be marching through an area that may not be safe and may have people trying to kill my buddies and myself and one mistake by anybody, even an honest one, could get everybody killed. One little detail forgotten in a combat situation could lead to disaster. I don't think that concept has sunk in yet with the rest of them, but hopefully soon it will.

More to come later...

Last Thoughts

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 20:31:45 GMT

Tomorrow morning I leave Nevada to head off to the great beyond known as basic training. I'm getting very nervous about the whole thing, the closer it gets. I'll be in TN for about a day and a half and I leave out Tuesday afternoon.

A new change in my life brings to the surface all of the "could-have-beens" that I've left behind over the years. All the things I really wanted to do when I graduated from high school, the things I wanted to do after I graduated college....but none of them happened. Instead, I ended up on the same path as my parents, well at least the same path as my dad: the military. Same thing my brother did, and my uncle and my grandfather, and my other uncle...I come from a long line of military brats.

And I know that I have chosen this path, and that it really is what I want to do...but if I had it to do again, I can't help but think that I might have changed some things. There are some things that I would have really liked to do, but I'm way too wise about time change to think that anything can actually be changed. It can't! Because given the same circumstances you'll make the same choice over and over again...when time travel happens (yes when not if) a person does not get the benefit of hindsight...so I know that I actually wouldn't change things, but I can't help but wonder if my life would have been different if I had chosen to do other things with it besides what I've done.

In the army now! Wish me luck at basic and to those of you who have given me your addresses, I will try to write to all of you. If I haven't gotten your address then I guess you'll just have to wait to hear from me after basic.

I'm also sad because my beloved cat, Potions, still has not come back to me. I wonder if he just left because he knew I was going away soon? It's hard to say. Either way it makes me very sad because that cat is my heart. Tomorrow I leave and I don't hold out hope that he will magically come back tonight and save me the heartache of thinking I've lost him forever. Just one more thing God has taken away from me trying to make me stronger...but this time I'm very angry about it.

This is my path, and ultimately I'll walk it alone. Friends come and go and walk with me for a while, but they can never stay forever. That's just too long of a time. The year is already almost over and it will be when I finish with basic training. I feel the pain of the end so deeply now that I know it can't be far off, and still I'm not trained, and still I haven't found the only thing that I ever wanted...maybe I won't ever find it.

**Thoughts and typing shall end here as it's only making me very sad**

Finally in Reno

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 18:52:35 GMT

Ok, so now i'm finally out at my parents house for the dreaded last three weeks before i go to basic training...the trip was long and i wouldn't want to do it again...ever!!! but now i'm here, and the entries on my other blog and the commenting on others' blogs shall commence again soon...

in other news, happy early birthday to denisem...since i'll probably foget later...

I swear...

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 16:25:51 GMT

I haven't fallen off the planet...I've just been really busy lately...will return to reading and commenting on everybody's journals again soon...

For newcomers

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 18:30:03 GMT

For anybody just finding my page because of the Racks for Research post on drjeff's livejournal, let me say that I would be glad to have you as friends, but if you're really looking to get to know me better...this is not where I post most of my blogs...if you are interested in knowing more, just drop me a message and I'll give the link to my real blog. Thanks for stopping by.

A Test

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 17:40:02 GMT

To try and figure out how to do this picture add thing so that I can donate to scientific research...heh

now then...we shall see if that works...and hope anybody who reads will enjoy the pic of me dancing.

Good Idea for a Great Cause

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 23:18:39 GMT

So okay, I don't like to promote other people's causes very often, but this is a good one....pay attention partygirl, you might like it.

There is a guy on live journal who is helping his friend raise money for breast cancer research, but the way he's going about it is very interesting. He calls it "Racks for research" and basically he wants to celebrate his birthday coming up by seeing breasts, and he has agreee to donate $1.00 per "rack" that is posted on his livejournal up to 100 girls to breast cancer foundation research. This post is not for the public, the only people who will be able to see the breasts are those who post a picture, or those who also make a donation to the research fund.

To the donators: you can either donate per rack, and you can have a maximum amount preset, or you can make a flat donation.

To the "racks": you don't have to give him a naked breast shot, in a tank top/corset/bikini top/bra, etc. is fine...but it has to actually be of your own breasts. Naked shots would also be welcome, I assume. Also, the girls who agree to particpate do not have to donate money themselves, but they are still free to do so.

So c'mon ladies! Let's give a guy a happy birthday and help breast cancer research in the process...the last time I checked, there were donations up to $10.00 per "set" posted. You know you have a pic of your breasts around somewhere that you can share to help out Breast Cancer.

C'mon guys! Don't ya wanna see some breasts? You can donate as much as you want per "set" or as little as you want...a quarter per set, a dime per set, whatever...

Get all the info and post pics and donations here: http://drjeff.livejournal.com/1334772.html

start clicking...also, here's the livejournal account home page which shows the updates about this fundraiser http://drjeff.livejournal.com/

And I think I may be back

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 04:51:27 GMT

Ok I shall try again...and see if there is anything redeeming about live journal...don't know yet.

So far, not impressed

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 09:42:16 GMT

So I did it...I finally gave in to all you wisconsin people and actually got a live journal account...don't know how ofte i'll actually post here, as I don't really like the format of this very much. It is very difficult for me to use, not being very techno-inclined...but at least now I will be able to post to your journals. i figured out how to do that...sorta.